Not Understanding

In my last post I mentioned that our church lost a mother of three children. I didn't tell you how she died. The fact is no one knows. She went to sleep and never woke up. She probably tucked her kids in that night and never had a clue that would be the last time she would hug them.

She just went to sleep.

She was 32 years old. Same age as I am. She was healthy. She was happy. She was working for God. She had recently been to the Philippeans on a missions trip. She spoke of how being there had changed her. How she cried with people who poured their hearts out to her and craved the word of God. She was so moved by her experiences there, she cried openly as she told us how much it meant for her to be there helping others.

I admit, I never took the time to get to know her. I would say hi and bye to her at church. I smiled at her children and made small talk on some occasions. She sat in my Facebook as a suggested friend and I never clicked the button to add her as my friend. I know that sounds completely minute compared to the big picture here, but it bothers me. How we really don't pay attention to people, we really don't open our eyes and our hearts and then they die and we are left here wondering what we missed out on.

I am paranoid to fall asleep. Not enough that I am sitting in bed holding my eyes open, but enough that I pray I am given another day. Just one more day, I ask. I need to be a better mother, a better wife. It seems I am never good enough in both aspects of my life. I really want to be, but I let the day to day get to me and before I know it that "one more day" is over and I have not accomplished anything.

I want to read my bible. I want to better my relationship with my Creator. I want to understand why He felt he needed to take this woman. Why her? Why now? I can't stop thinking of a part of the Scripture "Like a thief in the night..." Was Gabrielle one of the first He has chosen to take? Is He planning something bigger? I mean, anyone who reads the New Testament knows of His plans. He lays them out for all of us to see, and prepare for. The problem is, no one is really grasping the fact that this is real. It has always seemed to me that "THAT day" would be thousands of years from now. I never really thought it could be in my lifetime.

If God were on His way to take us to Heaven now, would He choose me? I can honestly say that I don't know. Because of this, I feel I have a lot of work to do within myself.

The sudden and unexplained death of this woman has gripped me in so many ways. I can't stop thinking of her. I can't stop wondering why there is no answer, even with an autopsy. No one knows why she died.

How can someone like her just go to bed and not wake up?

I am clueless. I am frustrated. I need an answer to this question.

I can't go to bed without her name in my heart. I can't wake up without my chest feeling so heavy with sadness for her children, her husband, her family.

None of this makes any sense to me.

So, I may be journaling my way through this. The biggest lesson I am learning is that it doesn't really matter what you do in life, when it is time to go, it is time to go. We really need to treat each day as though it is our last and understand this precious gift of life we have been given. Most importantly, we need to love each other and never be too busy to show it.

I want to live my life. I want to be genuine, be true. I want my children to know without a doubt that I love them with all my heart. I would lay down my life for them. I want them to always feel secure in my love and God forbid if anything were to ever happen to me, I want people to remember me as someone who loved life, cherished her family, and embraced the Lord.

You really just never ever know. You know?

******My Prayer******

Lord, I pray for the Johnson family as they mourn the loss of their mother, their wife, their daughter, their friend. I pray that there is closure as to what happened to her so no one is left without answers. I pray that you wrap this family in your light and fill them with peace and the warmth of love from their family and friends as they help them through this difficult time. I pray for special signs from Gabrielle that only her family could understand. Signs to give them hope and peace with her passing. Signs that help them know she has not left them. I believe in your signs, thanks to little Tuesday. I pray that the Johnson family gets their "balloons" too.

Lord, I am having a hard time understanding all of this. I am just a bystander and yet I have been rocked to the core by Gabrielle's passing. She reminds me of me in so many ways. This has truly opened my eyes that you could call on me at any moment and that I must treat my life as a gift. Words cannot express how much I have taken this to heart. I know that words are empty without action and I want so badly to take action. Lord, I pray that you help show me how to improve in my life and with my family so that I can feel good about the woman I am today. So that my loved ones will never doubt how much I cherish them. So that when I leave this earth, people will smile as they remember me. I want to make memories that last longer than the breath in my lungs. Lord, I pray that you walk with me, and guide me and that I hear your voice as you speak to my heart. I want so badly to give of myself to you and to my family and to those in need.

If I should die before I wake, I pray Dear Lord, my soul you take.

Amen.