I love being a parent. I love my boys and thoroughly enjoy watching them grow. My oldest son has been a huge challenge for me since he hit the first grade. This was about the time he also became a big brother. We chalked it up to attention getting and jealousy. Time went on and he just got worse and worse. I researched his behavior and the best description was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He will stop at nothing to make me or my husband just blow up at him. I mean nothing. He picks and picks and he really knows how to get under our skin. He enjoys watching us struggle each and every day. He is in the seventh grade now. We have been going through a battlefield in our home with him day in and day out for almost 6 years. I keep telling myself "only 6 more years - we hit the halfway point" trying to be optimistic but the truth is I just don't know how much more of this I can stand. It is not even really a concern for my feelings but more that my feelings are deeply hurt out of concern for the man my son will grow up to be if he does not get the help he needs.
We have been trying and trying and running into wall after wall. He was almost expelled from public school after 3 suspensions before the 4th grade. We got him into a Charter School and he has done better behavior wise but still has control issues and refuses to do his school work unless he feels like it. He controls his environment whether it is at home or at school. He manipulates people so he can get his way and if they don't give in then there is hell to pay. My son is 12 years old for Heaven's sake! It is so frustrating to admit all of this but I have to get it off my chest because I can't keep this pent inside.
I yelled at him I screamed at him until I was blue in the face. I cried in front of him. I shook with anger. I was truthful with him. I begged him. Now I just deal with him. I really have given up emotionally in the sense that I would rather just send him to his room than argue with him because arguing is something he enjoys. This seems to work for me but it is not the right thing as he still gets his way. My husband is just floored at the total lack of respect from him. He steals everything. He goes into our bedroom and willingly takes things that he knows he shouldn't. Things that we have already punished him for taking. He takes his toys and his brothers toys apart and cuts out the wires and makes weird trinkets with them. He hoards all sorts of wires and screws and things in his room until I finally have to go in there and throw everything away.
In the 4th grade his school (the old one) sent social services to my home on an anonymous tip that they felt he was being abused by me (because I grabbed his wrist and led him out of the school after he got into trouble) He refused to walk with me so I grabbed his wrist and made him walk out with me. Apparently that is grounds for child abuse - enough to investigate me for it anyway. Well it was very scary for me to know that my other son was being undressed and checked for bruises at my babysitter's home. Scary and embarrassing. I don't abuse my children. If anything my husband and I are being abused by my son!
The charges were unfounded and life went on. Daily struggles with my son for everything. I finally decided to look into my insurance and see what I could do to find out what his problem was. I took him to a psychologist who was kind and talked to us but really was not helpful in diagnosing my son. He eventually told me I would need to go to a psychiatrist for an actual diagnoses. I took him to a psychiatrist who spoke to my son for 10 minutes before telling me he had depression and ADD and told me to put him on Wellbutrin. I was reluctant but wanted to help him so I did. Nothing happened. Nothing. His school called to tell me that they felt I needed to do more because he was not listening and it was frustrating for them so I weaned him off the Wellbutrin and took him to his pediatrician who agreed that we should treat the ADD. She put him on Concerta and that helped for about 2 weeks. 2 glorious weeks of finding out what it was like to actually enjoy being around my child again. Then the bad behavior started up and back in the negative routine we were again.
I still have him on Concerta and he passed 6th grade with 3 F's a D and a C on his report card. Hmmm I don't think the concerta is working anymore. I also think the school made a poor judgement in passing him with those grades.
I had my son on a list to see a psychiatrist through the Children's Hospital here. I was all psyched (excuse the pun) to go in there and get some real answers this time. I walked out of there shocked, confused and more upset than ever.
The Dr. was a nice lady. Easy to talk to. Sympathetic. She told me that my son's symptoms were that of a manic disorder. I looked this up later to see it was bipolar. My son had fabricated one major symptom by telling her he does not sleep at night but is fresh and energetic the next day. This is SO UNTRUE! I don't feel in my heart that my son is bipolar. I know he has issues but this feels like a mis-diagnoses based on bad information he gave this Dr.
She goes on to tell me that he said his dad (my husband) kicked him in the shin and because of that she has no choice but to file a report with Social Services. Here we go again. This time it is my husband who is getting the bad rap. The man that has taken my child (not his) under his wing. The man my child calls Dad. The man that has done nothing but take care of this boy has now been accused (wrongfully so) of being a child abuser by a child that has abused us for so very long.
Where are our rights? What about our two other children? Can they really walk into my home and take my babies away because my son is a pathological liar??
I am just at such a loss. Why are we going through this? Where were these social workers when I was being abused by my foster mother's son?? Where were these social workers when my foster parents were treating me like their own personal slave? So many children are victimized and truly abused and yet here they are knocking on MY door...TWICE! This is just ridiculous!
Now my son knows how upset we are and I hate to say it but he knows this is a great way to control us - this will happen again in the future - when he needs to whip out the big guns to show us he is boss.
I just feel so helpless. I feel like I cannot even parent my child. Like I have no support and we have to find the answers if there are any all by ourselves. It just sucks.
So sorry for the long post but I need prayers. I am having a hard time praying right now as I just don't understand things right now with the Big Guy up there. We just feel like we are under attack with my accident, my son getting worse and now this near future visit from a social worker and we have no idea what to expect. I feel at the mercy of a stranger right now. I went to get my son help and walked out feeling like the entire world jumped onto my shoulders. My husband can barely talk or look at me right now, he is just so very hurt by all of this.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
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My heart goes out to you as in my 7 years of teaching middle school I have seen several people deal with this issue with their children. Some parents found it helped to make sure their child had choices so that he felt like he was in control. Sometimes that worked; sometimes it didn't.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for your son and for you and the rest of your family.
You might give the bipolar drugs a shot. Sometimes one drug works for something it is not meant for (like I take sezure drugs for my migraines).
Hugs to you and your family. My son was diagnosed w/ADHD when he was five. He has been on several different medications since then. About once a year we have to change the dosage and/or medication because it just stops woking as well as it had been.
ReplyDeleteIn March, he was diagnosed w/Asperger's syndrome. Last night, we were at a "camp" for children with Asperger's or other autism spectrum disorders. He a TOTAL and complete meltdown...in public. I was fortunate to be at the clinic at the time.
You might want to look into a clinic/doctor who specializes in ASD. You need to find someone who is experienced with autism to either make the diagnosis or rule it out. He can't be treated effectively until he has been diagnosed correctly.
I am so sorry you arre going through this. You will make it. God is with you always. He will carry you through this is need be.
Hugs!!!!!!!!
Ohmygosh, my heart goes out to you. This sounds so much like my husband's sister's experience with her son. She has five kids and the first four appear perfect - I've been in the family for six years and am still in awe of them. But her youngest, a boy who is now 17, has been a completely different experience. They've had a horrible time for the past six years. He drinks and smokes and was arrested a year ago for stealing his dad's pain medication and then selling it at school. He's been kicked out of two schools. His mom homeschooled the other children but he was so defiant with her that she tried every kind of school possible and he's still barely getting by. He is so mean to them, they've really lost their energy and have basically just given up this last year before he moves out. I am sure I would find it difficult to stay motivated as well. But DON'T GIVE UP! If you work with the right people there can be a light at the end of the tunnel! I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with the social services, geesh. You have a lot of people who are on your side, though, and a lot of support so hang in there!!!!
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