Possible Answers...then again possibly not

Still waiting for the County Worker to knock on my door. The anxiety over this is unnerving. Just waiting for someone to tell me I am a fit parent...I know I am but having to depend on someone else to make that judgement is making me all kinds of frustrated, scared, anxious, defensive, mad, etc etc etc

Good thing I can put on a smile and still play legos with my boys. I don't want to drag them into this more than they will be. My oldest is still acting like the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. He is still up to his day to day antics and has no comprehension of the severity of the situation he has helped get us into.

I am blessed enough to have a co-worker that has a child with bipolar and we both agree that is not what my son has. She mentioned Asperger's Syndrome and needless to say when I read the symptoms I felt we were on to something. I called the psychologist at Childrens and told her to please focus on that condition and relook at his symptoms again. I am trying to avoid another assessment as we have a $700.00 deductible for my son so this is costing us so very much at a time when we are still struggling with the bills from my accident.

The blessing I mentioned is that my co-worker informed me that if my son is diagnosed with something that it is a disability and he may be entitled to benefits like Social Security and state funded healthcare. I am not onoe of those parents that takes handouts but in this case, if we could have his medical needs paid for this would help us get the help he needs without fretting over the cost of everything.

I am really praying that we can find answers and if those answers lead us to a diagnoses that requires ongoing treatment that my son would be eligible for help through this program. Please keep us in your prayers.

About my faith. *Sigh* I am just so frustrated. I am trying to understand why. What am I supposed to learn from all of this. How do I glorify God through these ongoing trials that never seem to let up? I did the right thing. I was a young girl, barely 20 when I was pregnant with my son. His father wanted to drive me to the nearest clinic and I refused to. I carried him and read all the books and made sure I ate right and took care of myself. I loved him more than I can put into words and met his every need and perhaps even spoiled him. I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to do and still...I feel like I am being punished. If he really has a condition that is out of his control then I will feel awful. The guilt is already setting in and choking up in my throat when I allow myself to think about it. The guilt because I can hardly bear to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice and to look at him because of the years of disrespect and lack of desire to build on our relationship. I am trying to tell myself I am the adult and he is the child and I need to nurture him but it is hard because he constantly pushes me away. I told him once that if our dog bit him every time he went to pet him then he would stop trying to pet him. That is how I feel. I have been bit one too many times. When he picks fights with me I just quietly tell him to go to his room. I don't feel like arguing. He doesn't get his way but in a way he is not getting any discipline. I don't even know what the proper way to discipline him would be - I mean I don't want to beat him or anything but now that I have the state peeking in on my every move I just don't trust my own parenting skills anymore - with him. I am fine with the other two as they are just rambunctious little boys. I worry that they will think his behavior is normal and start to act like him because naturally they look up to their big brother. Then what do I do?

I wonder where God is in all of this. I keep asking for His help but so far I am not seeing it. All I want to do is help my son without going bankrupt and crazy in the process. I just hope He reveals his plans to me soon. I really need to know He is right here with me and my family as we go through this. I keep praying for Him to put His arms around my son and wrap him in His light. All I can do is grasp onto my faith, and not let it waiver through this.

Thanks for listening.