Emo Mom

I'm all sorts of emotional tonight. Aunt Flo just packed her bags and left so I am not sure what my problem is. Well, scratch that...I've been on pins and needles for a while now just trying to figure out my oldest son's issues and honestly I think it is bothering me more than I care to admit. Either way it goes, if there is a diagnoses then I will blame myself for not noticing the condition sooner. If there is not a diagnoses I will blame myself for not knowing how to parent him. I know I just need to stop blaming myself but any mother will agree with me that Mother's Guilt is something that never goes away, it just increases with time.

So tomorrow is day one of his evaluation. We shall see how that goes.

I worked tonight. I am starting to wonder if "Fast, Fun & Friendly" is really my cup of tea. I mean some of those "LOD's" are a little out there. One in particular I think hates me. I know I shouldn't take it personal because she seems to hate almost everyone. For real. She is Evil. She is one of those people that you can't read at all. She's been there at this job for over 25 years. You know, if I was stuck at a place like that doing the same thing and not moving up the ladder, I'd be frustrated too. BUT the difference between us is that I would not take it out on everyone in my path!

I'll see her and she will smile and say "How are you?" in such a sweet voice. My stupid ass falls for it every time too. Next thing I know she has me cornered with her "You are so stupid" face telling me I don't know my rear from a hole in the ground (not those exact words but she makes me feel like a total idiot whenever I speak to her!) Anyway, so tonight she decides to pull the "Let's screw with Tamara" card on me. I was just minding my own business and she comes up to berate me about not knowing how to fill out a raincheck and how I should know how to do that by now blah blah blah. I tried to explain to her that I am a p/t evening team member and no one is ever available to train me. She continues to bash me and this time I stuck up for myself. I was not nice. I did not sit there and say sorry like I usually do. I told her it is not my fault and listened to her make stupid excuses as to why I should know this already.

It took all my nerve not to take every towel I was folding and dump them on the floor, tell her to clean up the mess and walk the eff out of there. No $8.00 an hour job is worth that nonsense. For real. She talked down to me like I was some preschooler who needed a time out. I am a grown woman, dammit! I felt uncomfortable around her before, and now I just want to avoid her like the plague.

It's a good thing I like everybody else I work with. It's even better I only work with her a couple nights a week.

So that was my night at work. I was pretty cranky the rest of the evening even though I kept telling myself that I should not allow her to get under my skin, that kindness was the best revenge, I refused to take my own advice.

Speaking of liking my co-workers...we have the sweetest elderly lady that works in the fitting room. Let's call her Wilma. She is so kind. She is one of those people that genuinely cares about everyone and she knows everything about everyone too! She has a warm voice and a warmer smile. She is strong and determined to do a great job while at work. After my car accident, when I would call to check in she would ask how I was feeling and tell me she misses having me there. She wasn't making small talk, and I knew she meant it. Small things like that really show someone's character and Wilma has a lot of character!

Recently she had a fall and really hurt herself while working. She has been having some health issues and I find myself worrying about her a lot. I learned that she has always lived with her parents and never got married or had children. Both her parents have passed and now she lives alone in their home. She drives an old station wagon that used to belong to her dad. She, like many of us, is living paycheck to paycheck and even though this fall has really caused her a lot of pain she will never complain at work. I have to pry her for information sometimes. Eventually she will admit she is having a hard day while her eyes tear up but she maintains that she will be fine. I just want to hug her, but I know that she does not want to be seen as frail and needy. She definately does not want people feelnig sorry for her either. She is a go-getter and it is hard for her to ask for help.

She was having a difficult time tonight. I heard she took another spill at work a couple of days ago and my heart sank. I want so badly to be there for her. To cook her some meals and help her with errands. Anything that will help her heal and get back to being herself again.

I had to hold back tears tonight as I drove out of the parking lot. She was limping, head held high as she walked to her car. She had not limped all night and now she was taking slow and careful steps. I am really worried about her and I am hoping she will allow me to help her in any way I can.

As I was driving home, my thoughts went from Wilma to what to expect when I get home. My baby will most likely be up and want to nurse, then my husband will be wanting to spend time with me and will complain if I want to go online. I hadn't peed all night and I knew it would be another half hour before I could go because I would be bombarded by the time I walked in the front door.

Then it hit me......

I thought of Wilma. No one will be waiting for her to walk in the door. She's all alone.

I am truly lucky.

It's ok that my bladder has to work overtime because I can't stop to pee. I'm needed. I'm loved. I am so grateful for that.

If you can spare a prayer, please send one Wilma's way. She is really heavy on my heart tonight.